His Only One
by PhantomPotterGirl
Summary: Here I go Lily. Watch me walk away, because I won't turn back.
1. His Only One

**This turned out pretty good. I'm really satisfied with it! I was inspired by the song "Only One" By Yellowcard. I highly recommend it! If you do listen to the song, then it would make a lot more sense to you. It's sort of confusing, but if you left me a question in a review, I'll answer back to you the best possible way.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing.**

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><p>It was heart-wrenching.<p>

Watching her and trying to act as if I didn't care. It burned a hole through my already bruised heart. I couldn't believe what was going on around me. I passed through days without an end, as if I was walking through murky black water. I couldn't breathe, scream or leave. I couldn't do anything.

It was as if there was an invisible cloud of misery that hung over my head. It brought depression and blackness to me and all who were in my presence. And I couldn't do anything. Every day the routine was the same, picking up the pieces of my heart were useless. They were too small and scattered to even see.

It felt as if there was a Dementor following me around everywhere. I felt as if it was sucking the happiness and love out of me. I felt as if I had no soul. I felt like an empty shell, wondering through time, hoping that one day something would understand.

I wanted to give up. It was so tempting to try. I wanted to scream it out loud. Let everyone know the burning desire that ached inside of me. Of course I knew she could see right through me. But no matter how close I get to giving up – I just couldn't. She deserved her happiness and I deserved mine, even if I had to shatter myself so she would get hers.

I stopped after her. I stopped following Lily Evans. I stopped calling her name and asking her out. I left her alone like she asked me to. I knew that in seventh year I was never going get her no matter how hard I tried. I've screwed up with her more times to count. I wasn't even able to say anything decent to her. I threw my words everywhere, not knowing that instead of falling for me, it only did the entire opposite. I never realized how many mistakes I've made at Hogwarts until that Head badge was owled to me. I've let her down more time than I could count.

So I stopped pining after her. I needed to move on. I couldn't keep chasing after when she wouldn't return the feeling. Besides, she was better off without me anyway. I never deserved her. She was too perfect, way out of my league. She needed to let me go. All this time my face was in the ground. I needed to get up and start over. I needed to let go.

She did notice the change in me for the first few weeks. She was Lily Evans for Merlin's sake; of course she'd know that something was wrong. She confronted me after a few weeks and demanded what game I was playing at. I got mad and told her I wasn't doing anything wrong. That I was tired of following after her like a lovesick puppy when all she did was criticize me. And I left her there, in the empty classroom; staring after me without a word. I regretted those words ever since they left my mouth. But I knew they had to be let out. Or else she wouldn't let go of me. And I wouldn't either.

But I lied to her. That wasn't the reason I let her go. I didn't have a reason.

And I wasn't able to hang on any longer. I couldn't hold on anymore. I wished I could scream it to the world that I was in love with her. I wished I could hold her and tell her everything. I wished I never let her go.

I spent week after week avoiding her. I got a girlfriend and carried on with my life. And after a while she got a boyfriend too.

I hated it. I hated her for giving up on me so easily. But I knew that this was what she wanted. She wanted me to leave her alone. She wanted me to let her go. And I did let her go.

But I died inside.

Lily was different. No one ever knew me like her. She knew me through and through; no one ever let me get away with anything like she did (even my own mother). I was tired of watching her with another man. I wanted to give up my false charade and tell her the truth.

She was the one. She was my only one. She was the only one for me. Everyone else paled in comparison to her. I messed up. I messed up big time but I couldn't tell her why. I couldn't give her a reason. No one got me like she did. Head over heels was what they said, right? For me, it's more like heels over head.

I knew that I was closing to edge. I was breaking up. I was coming to the point where it gave me physical pain as well as mental. My friends never suspected a thing. They – like the rest of the population of Hogwarts – thought that I was finally over Lily Evans. But they didn't know anything. I couldn't let go of her. But I had to. For Lily, I had to.

I knew she saw through my fake laughter and smiles. I knew that she saw there was something deeply bothering me. Bothering me, dear? It isn't bothering me. It's killing me. It's torturing my inside out and burning my heart inside out. It's slowly devouring the humanity that I have left. It's smothering the light in my eyes. It's killing me. I wanted to give up so bad that I could taste it.

I wished that I could just give up. I wished that I could just tell her. I've never realized how hard letting her go was going to be. I just wanted her know that I loved her. I just wanted her to know. But I had to keep strong. So I'd wait. I'd wait until the end of seventh year and tell her. Even if she didn't return the feeling, at least she'd know. At least she'd know how much I loved her.

I couldn't tell her face to face. I'd owl a letter to her and hope that she'd understand.

But for now – I had to cope with myself. I had to keep myself from falling apart. I had to keep myself from going insane.

It was dishonest to burn the bridges with her. It was cruel. But I had to do it. I had to let her go. Because if I didn't, then Lily would never find the happiness with the man she truly deserved to be with. I wasn't even worthy to be in her sight. There was no one that was like Lily in the entire world. There was no one like her. She was the one.

Here I go Lily. Watch me walk away, because I won't turn back.

Here I go Lily. Here I go.

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><p><strong>Please review and tell me what you think about it! I'm getting inspired a lot by songs :P I think I will write a companion piece through Lily's point of view, so alert me if you want to know when I publish it!<strong>

**Luvs Twikadevra**


	2. Karma's A Female Dog

A/N: So annoyingly. Fanfiction has deleted most of my stories for those who have noticed -.- Here I'll upload them again and I'm sorry I'm not updating as I should, I have exams next week and I'm going through some problems right now.

Disclaimer: don't own.

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><p><strong>Karma's A Female Dog<strong>

_by: PhantomPotterGirl_

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><p><em>1<em>_st__ of September – Diary Blog _

Everything was such a blur these days.

I mean, most of the time, I didn't understand or fully acknowledge if someone was speaking to me or something mildly important was happening. I'd usually pass through the crowded corridors without any sense of direction. It was always the same dull routine every day. The same faces pass by me every day and I still wouldn't get why half the population of Hogwarts hates me that much.

Sadly, I always passed quickly through those faces. I didn't want to hear what they thought of me. I didn't want to know what I did wrong even if I didn't do anything in the first place.

I didn't understand why this was bothering me so much. I didn't understand why I couldn't just go with my life like I've always wanted to. I mean…he's left me alone right? He's finally gotten over me! Why wasn't I happier? Why did it suddenly feel like it was the end of the world? I just can't understand anything anymore!

I mean, Marlene and Tonks are always giving me the evil eye now in the Great Hall or in classes. What on earth did I do wrong? It's just so bloody ridiculous! I'm not saying that they completely broke their friendship with me or anything – but they would always give me that evil eye thing from time to time. It was getting really annoying and all I did was get a boyfriend! I mean, aren't mates supposed to be enthusiastic when one of their best mates, that hardly go out, finally gets a boy she fancies? But all they did was tell that I was being really stupid or something. I mean, hello Marlene, this was your idea to get me a boyfriend in the first place.

I mean, I couldn't possibly be _missing _him now can I? I've got enough male attention already with Amos Diggory at my side. Who wouldn't want Amos as your boyfriend? Certainly not me or any XX-chromosome being in this school! It was positively the daftest thing that would ever happen. I mean, he was so nice and sweet and handsome and. He was perfect as perfection. Hufflepuff Captain of the Quidditch team, 7th year Prefect, declared as one of the top five hottest beings in Hogwarts; he was everything that a girl could ever hope for!

So I couldn't possibly ever be missing the most annoying stalker that ever walked the earth, can I?

Certainly not.

I'd be mad if I did.

I'm being very, very logical about this. I do not at all in any way/shape/size/sound or form miss – _James Potter _– of all people.

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><p><em>10<em>_th__ of January – Diary Blog _

I confess the crime that I've committed.

I fancy James Potter.

A lot.

In fact, I fancy him so much that by just seeing the sight of him makes my heart explode. I fancy him so much that even if he looks at another girl; she's added to my list of People To Push Off The Astronomy Tower (and believe me, that list is so bloody long that I've used up all of my spare parchment for it). I fancy him so much that I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just to see him. I'd swim through shark-infested waters if that was the way to reach him. So, basically I'd die for him.

I've got it bad. Really, really bad. It wasn't entirely my fault though! I swear that wanker probably put some Amortentia in my pumpkin juice.

But then again, I can't avoid my feelings forever or try to squash them. Merlin knows what good comes out of that nonsense.

I missed him. I missed him terribly. I'm just always waiting for that day he'd start stalking or asking me out again. I was the love of his life remember? He can't stay away from me forever. I needed him, because – face it, life is so incredibly boring without his persistentness around. I remember how whenever I was having a bad or death-by-boring day, he'd pop up from nowhere and start babbling on about some nonsense that no one really cared about. Back then, I never appreciated it or gave him a second thought-over of why he was always being so nice to me when all I did was hurt him.

And now I'm left to wonder – what if I actually did go out with him for once? Would things be better now or worse? Would it really change our relationship that much or anything? I mean, you can't just suddenly wake up one day and decide to stop hating someone that you've always hated for six years. It wasn't that easy.

But what if? What if I stopped hating him back then? What if I went out with him and liked it? What if the rumours of him being a great snog was real because I'd experienced it? Would life be much easier than it would be today? Would the never-ending drama finally be put to an end? Would my friends never give me the evil eye ever again? Would my life then stop looking so dull and depressing? Would I be in love?

And of course he slipped up a few times and does that intense look direct me; that made my chest explode all over again. I'm not that oblivious to thinks like that, by my radar is a bit too low for normal teenage witch standards.

And then I'd think after, _does he think about me as much as I do? _I mean, would he care if I suddenly got a stroke or heart attack or something? Would he even notice that there would be something wrong with me? I know it's wrong! I know it's wrong to think any of these things when I still have a boyfriend, but you can't bloody well blame a girl in my situation, would you? It's just not fair to think I've only started thinking of him when he started to leave me alone.

At first was I completely suspicious about it. I thought he was going to prank me or something and kept a wide eye open for strange thing. But then after a while the message and possibility of Potter finally leaving me alone sank in. He'd gone for two straight months without assaulting me. But I didn't finally admit it until Amos asked me out and he didn't do anything.

Needless to say I was enthusiastic. I mean, about ruddy time he got his own life!

But then it started to haunt me. It mocked me endlessly and I didn't know why it was affecting me so much. Why was I so shook up about it? I couldn't get it. And soon my friends intervened with leaving me alone; that left me thoroughly depressed.

And soon it began to slowly sink in that I might fancy Potter – though the slightest bit; which is where I was now. Stuck in a loveless relationship when loving a guy that I was supposed to hate. Great, aren't I?

It was so frustrating. Always thinking and asking the same bloody questions every day. Always hoping that Amos would finally get sick of me as well as James would fall in love with me again. A girl can dream, right? But sadly, I was never going to be with James. He was dating the whore of Hogwarts and my worst enemy – Danellza Holler.

I mean, I didn't even deserve to be with him anyway. I insulted him with every chance I got. I publicly embarrassed him time and time again. I always rejected his date requests in the worst way possible. I wished he was angry at me because it was easier to deal with than the guilt of hurting his feelings. I didn't deserve to live in him memories or dreams. I never did and he carried on trying for me anyway.

Could life get any worse?

I just wished that he'd stop playing with me. I wished that he'd finally own up and tell me what he was feeling for me. I wished that I knew why he decided to leave me alone. I wished he never did. Does he care? I really wanted to know; I'd kill to know.

I didn't want to let him go at all. I wanted to pull him close and drown into him. I wanted to hug him tight and never let go. But I wouldn't let him go at all because for me – that'll be like committing suicide. If I had to choose between friends and family with letting go of James? I'd choose James. I know it's incredibly selfish like that but that was how desperate I was with him. He just made me go crazy. I loved him too much to let go.

I didn't know what was worse: James loving me and me hating James or me loving James and James hating me. But I guess things will never be the same again.

Things changed all the time but I highly doubt that James would ever love me again. Guess karma's a bitch biting back at me, right? Giving me a taste of my own medicine for what I did to James ever since fifth year. I can't believe he hadn't gone insane yet.

I guess that things would always be like this. Me always passing through corridors in a daze, passing familiar faces but not acknowledging them. Always staring blankly to what was never going to happen. Always shoving through the crowds and never reaching the end.

I bet karma took a while to figure this punishment out.

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><p>Please review?<p>

_PhantomPotterGirl_


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